Today, I am reminded of a couple of posts I did a couple of months ago. First, the one on salt and second, the one on God’s will. I am reminded of these two posts because of some things that have been going on in my life. I’ve recently been involved in three separate circumstances where people have gotten upset with me or something in which I was involved. I’d rather not go into details because I don’t want to upset anyone more. But I am struggling.
Why am I involved in these circumstances? What am I doing to contribute to them? Is there something I’m doing that I don’t realize I’m doing that I can quit doing? Because honestly, hurting people is the last thing I want to do, especially people that I care a lot about… which all of these people are. In every instance, I was trying to do something helpful… but it didn’t turn out that way. Am I really trying to control everything? Am I really choosing to help one person over another? Am I doing something for myself?
These circumstances remind me of the post on God’s will because I really want to be doing God’s will. So am I doing God’s will and will just have to realize that there is always going to be opposition… or am I doing my will and God is using circumstances to try to bring me back onto his path? These circumstances remind me of the post on salt because I thought I was trying to be salt (to add value, to preserve, and to bring out the best). I guess I’m not doing some a good job at being salt. Two of these three circumstances involve non-believers, and instead of pushing them toward Jesus, it appears I have helped to push them farther away.
My hope and prayer is that I just can’t see the big picture and that God IS using me and I AM doing His will to bring these people closer to Jesus…. but I just don’t know right now. I feel more disappointed with myself than anything. Like this morning, I spent time praying for myself when I should have been praying for the people God was bringing to churches for the first time in a long time, people who were taking a first step toward Jesus. I just want to be in God’s will, but am I?