Am I

Today, I am reminded of a couple of posts I did a couple of months ago. First, the one on salt and second, the one on God’s will. I am reminded of these two posts because of some things that have been going on in my life. I’ve recently been involved in three separate circumstances where people have gotten upset with me or something in which I was involved. I’d rather not go into details because I don’t want to upset anyone more. But I am struggling.

Why am I involved in these circumstances? What am I doing to contribute to them? Is there something I’m doing that I don’t realize I’m doing that I can quit doing? Because honestly, hurting people is the last thing I want to do, especially people that I care a lot about… which all of these people are. In every instance, I was trying to do something helpful… but it didn’t turn out that way. Am I really trying to control everything? Am I really choosing to help one person over another? Am I doing something for myself?

These circumstances remind me of the post on God’s will because I really want to be doing God’s will. So am I doing God’s will and will just have to realize that there is always going to be opposition… or am I doing my will and God is using circumstances to try to bring me back onto his path? These circumstances remind me of the post on salt because I thought I was trying to be salt (to add value, to preserve, and to bring out the best). I guess I’m not doing some a good job at being salt. Two of these three circumstances involve non-believers, and instead of pushing them toward Jesus, it appears I have helped to push them farther away.

My hope and prayer is that I just can’t see the big picture and that God IS using me and I AM doing His will to bring these people closer to Jesus…. but I just don’t know right now. I feel more disappointed with myself than anything. Like this morning, I spent time praying for myself when I should have been praying for the people God was bringing to churches for the first time in a long time, people who were taking a first step toward Jesus. I just want to be in God’s will, but am I?

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3 Responses to Am I

  1. Kaye Allen says:

    Melanie, I really don’t know who you are talking about. And it does’nt matter. I think you are doing a wonderful job of being a Christian. I think you do fantastic work in anything you do. God has given you special talents and you do use them. I don’t think you are pushing people away from God, Satan is hard at work trying to undo good things that we do. I’ve found that you do the best you can and just remember that you’ll never please everyone! I’m finding that out. I care about people and try to love everyone but some people make it hard to love them. But you have to be Christ like as you know and treat them as you would want to be treated. I love you and don’t want to see you hurting. MOM

  2. jonathan says:

    Melanie,

    Thanks for opening up. I’ve got two things that come to mind. First, no one said it would be easy. Life is hard. Leadership is hard. Relationships are hard. Planting a church is hard. Having a crappy pastor is hard. I don’t know how encouraging that is, but it helps me to be reminded that it’s hard. Second, I don’t know of a family that doesn’t have issues, get mad at each other, disagree, etc. The problems come with those families don’t talk about the issues, hide them, cover them up… which leads to bitterness and a lack of love.

    I think a healthier way to look at these situations is that they are part of the process that God is using to grow and develop you. Just read James 1:2-3. Which leads to a better question: What is God trying to do in you and through you through this? What is he trying to teach you? What actions is he trying to get you to do?

    You are awesome. Take a deep breath. Receive grace.

    You may think this is totally useless advise. 🙂

  3. chinchillas07 says:

    Jonathan… you aren’t a crappy pastor! I have realized how much I’ve grown through these experiences. I think if I had gone through these a few months ago, I would have gotten mad and come up with a whole bunch of excuses as to why they are wrong and why I am right. However, in the situation that upset me the most with an unbeliever, I didn’t get mad at all, but instead was able to see some of their motives behind their reaction. I think you are doing a great job of leading… and I know I’ve learned a lot from you and from people (podcast/books, etc) that you’ve lead me to look at. So don’t sell yourself short!

    Mom…. thanks for the words of encouragement. I know you try so hard to make everyone happy and that it is indeed impossible! Thanks for being there for me and Frankie!

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